Wow.  Summer is halfway over.  The weather has been amazing and so we’re trying to soak up as much Vitamin D, as we all know the rain is just around the corner.  The only good thing about that will be that I will actually sit down and write some more because I won’t feel guilty about sitting in front of the computer.

The days around here seem to go especially quickly because farm life is so crazy this time of year.  The thing that is lovely about this summer, as opposed to the last, is that the guys aren’t building a new milking parlor in addition to all of the other madness.  Hay is cut and baled, lagoons are being emptied and it will soon be silage time.  For all of you that don’t understand what any of that means, just know that it means 10-12 hour working days for the next couple of months.

Tyler and Trent have been busy outside.  They are so cute with their white hair and tan faces.  Marvin built them a pool, which I’m sure a lot of you saw the pictures on Facebook.  If you’re already on Facebook, you can request to see them here, if you would like.  For those that didn’t, I’ll try and get a picture posted here.  It’s not uploading right now.  Here’s the blueprint for you and all your friends:  He took 8 big bales of hay, placed them into a rectangle and then put a 200 foot tarp and draped it over them.  He then proceeded to fill up the middle of the ‘rectangle’ with water.  I have to admit I was so irritated when he first told me what he was doing.  He kept telling me that he had such a good idea for a swimming pool and that he was going to surprise us with it.  Yeah, surprise is a great descriptor for what it was.  But the guy is brilliant.  It is the perfect pool and it was extremely cost effective to boot, mainly because we already own those huge hay bales.  So it’s been a great source of entertainment for Tyler and Trent, and a great source for getting a tan during their nap time.

Remember when I was concerned that Trent wasn’t talking yet, and all of you told me to just enjoy the silence because he would be soon enough?  Soon enough has now arrived.  The boy talks as much as Tyler now.  The only difference is that only half of what he says can be understood.  Tyler has been doing a lot of activities away from Trent, so I think that it has finally given Trent a chance to get a word in edgewise and it’s starting to ‘click’.  It’s surprising how competitive the boys are even with 3 1/2 years difference in age.  I’m looking forward to school starting.  I think Tyler is going to absolutely love it.  His favorite thing, aside from being down on the dairy every second that he can, is to work in his workbooks.  I love that he’s so self-motivated and such a smart kid, but it’s really hard to keep him stimulated, and a bored Tyler is not a good Tyler.  I’ve been told that is what is referred to as “payback”.

On the medical front, I finally heard back from  Dr. Liau.  She said that she reviewed my scan and that she agreed that it looked stable.  She did suggest, however, that we keep watching it closely.  This means I’ll be getting another scan done on September 8th.  The thing that sucks about that is going through the agonizing process of anticipating the results so quickly after just going through it.  But on the flip-side, it’ll be such a short window of time, that we’ll be more confident that not much probably changed, if anything.  Her main concern is that this tumor is trying so hard to become a grade 3, but just can’t quite get there, much to our delight.  So she wants to stay ahead of it.  On a side note, for all of you brain tumor patients that read this blog, there is a brain tumor conference coming up in September in Oregon.  You can check out the details here.

I’m still doing IV therapy through the same clinic I’ve been going to in Portland for the past year, which includes DMSO and high dose Vitamin C.  When I’m not on chemo, then I’m taking one of those.  This last round of chemo was a little rough, but otherwise I’m feeling really well.  I’m at least able to keep with a 3 and 6 year old, so I guess that says something.

I know this is becoming redundant, but we can’t thank you all enough for the ways that you support us.  We would be lost in this mess without each of you by our side, so thank you so much…

My brother posted “I’m going to live this day intentionally” on Twitter the other day.  It made me think about the things in my life for which I am living intentionally.  The most obvious one that comes to mind is my intention of getting rid of this tumor.  I tend to eat, sleep and breath the thoughts of this tumor camping out in my head on a daily basis.  Understandable?  Sure.  Ridiculous?  Yes.  Ever since this last scan, I’ve been pouring over books, the internet, things that I have been looking at over the past 5 years to make sure that there isn’t anything that I’ve missed.  I’d have to say I’ve been a bit obsessive.   I think it’s crazy to not educate yourself about the things if you’re life that you are dealing with, especially when it comes to your health.  But I also think there needs to be a balance.  My endeavor in pursuing ways to restore my health may actually be a bit counter-productive.  First, I’m not trusting God for ultimate healing.  My faith blows right out the door when I get in this frame of mind, which leaves me in a lonely, somewhat depressed state.  I’m carrying this load solo and it’s too much.   Second, continuously pouring all of the various scenarios into my mind for me to think through is a heap of stress.  This stress manifests itself emotionally, physically, psychologically.  What is agreed upon by 99% of people in the medical community as a contributor to chronic disease?  Yep, stress.  Third, I’m armed with most of the knowledge I need to know, already.  I’ve been dealing with this for 5 years now, which means I’ve been devouring research for that long, as well.  Why do I need to review it?  The hours I spend researching could be spent working out, hanging out in good conversations, reaching out to other people that may be going through something difficult;  activities that seem to be much more productive and great for my emotional, physical and spiritual well being, thus moving my body toward wellness.

For those of you out there that think ‘cancer will never happen to me’, I implore you to reconsider that mindset.  I was only 26 and in great health, or so I thought, when I was diagnosed.  I was living a blessed life with a new son and an amazing husband.  Nobody on either side of my family had ever had cancer.  One would think that I was swimming in a great genetic pool.  Not so much.  My point here is simply this:

YOU NEVER KNOW!!

The old adage ‘an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure‘ is something everybody should have displayed somewhere in their house, particularly in the kitchen.  Be more cautious with how you treat your body.  Eat a healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables.  Plant a garden.  This is one of those activities that I think can have a profound impact on your health.  Not only are you growing organic food that you can eat off of your own land, but the process of growing and caring for your own food is extremely therapeutic.  The physical benefits you get from working the ground and planting, the satisfaction of being self-sustaining, even just watering them and watching them grow can give you great satisfaction.  It sounds silly, but try it.  You’ll understand what I’m talking about.  Pay attention to the articles that flash across Yahoo headlines about how exercise decreases your risk of chronic disease, Vitamin D deficiency causes this, that and the other.  It may not seem relevant to you and is easy to pass off, but it is and you shouldn’t.  It could save your life.

All of this to say, why not live intentionally and do what you can to prevent things like cancer popping up in your life?  We have the tools and the knowledge to know what we can do to direct our bodies toward wellness, so why not use them?  Is it hard work?  Yes.  Does it require a lot of discipline?  Yes.  Does it require sacrifice?  Yes.  Will it be worth it?  Absolutely.  Look at your kids, look at your spouse, look at those around you who care about you.  You’re not only doing this for yourself, but for all those people that love you and want to have you in their lives.  I don’t want my kids to grow up without a mom.  When I had Tyler, I was on top of the world.  Life couldn’t have been any better, I thought.  I was driving home from work one evening, then wham !  Our world changed forever that day and life has been an extremely bumpy roller coaster ride ever since.  I don’t recommend this ride for anybody, and once you’re on it, it’s extremely hard to get off.  Cancer is quite the formidable foe that doesn’t go away easily.  The best way to fight this beast?  Don’t let it come around in the first place.

So live with your life with intention.  Live it with the intention of watching your kids grow up and becoming a grandparent.  Live it with the intention of bringing your body into a state of wellness so that you can avoid traveling down the same road that I’m on.

Please trust me when I say, it’s not a trek you’ll ever want to take…

Construction began about a year ago on a new milking parlor which allows us to expand since we’re busting out of our seams.  Today, this project that the guys have been eating, sleeping and breathing has come to fruition.  You can see some pictures of it here(view it as slideshow).

It was quite a crazy day!  It took a lot of convincing for the cows to cooperate and go into the stalls, with the encouragement of about 15 guys.  Because there were some delays with the electricians in getting it all running this morning, they are now trying to cycle through milking 800 cows that are overdue on getting milked.  It’s quite loud over there right now with all of the bawling from the ladies.  ‘Milk me’!

I can’t believe how hard the guys have worked on this project.  It is absolutely beautiful!  I’m not sure Mike and Marvin are going to know what to do with all of their free time now.  Maybe just do their normal job and get home before 8 every night?  That would be lovely.  But more likely, they’ll start another project.  And we’re just now getting into the busy summer season.  Oh the life of farming…LOVE IT!

Wow.  It’s been awhile, eh?  So busy with so many random things going on.  Here’s the rundown.

On the health front, I’m starting my second round of chemo on Sunday night, which will go for 5 days.  The first round was definitely a learning curve of what and what not to do.  Hopefully I can implement the things that I learned to make this a more pleasant experience.  An oxymoron for sure, chemo and pleasant, but it could definitely be worse than it is.

I am contuining to do my natural IV treatment in between the chemo rounds.  It feels so good to be constantly attacking this thing, rather than take chemo, but then take 23 days off of anything.  I’m feeling great, other than some focal seizures every now and then.  Thankfully, I am now 3 months past my last grand mal seizure, so only 3 more months until I can drive legally.  Woohoo! Next scan will be May 3rd.  With everything that I am now doing, we are believing for some response in the tumor.  God willing that it disappears.

Other than all of that boring health rot, things are busy here on the dairy.  We are building a new parlor, which is nearing completion.   It will be so lovely when my husband can come home and not be interrupted by 10 phone calls about the parlor, right when he walks in the door.  It looks amazing, and definitely dresses up the dairy.  We will then be able to milk the cows 3 times a day, rather than 2, so that will definitely help off-set the irritatingly low milk prices.  This is why you can go to the store and buy Yoplait yogurt for $.50, rather than $.80 right now.  As you would guess, we are conflicted about this issue.  Cheaper grocery bills are always a good thing.

Other than that, we’ve actually been able to get out and do some fun stuff.  Marvin and I went to the Dierks Bentley/Brad Paisley concert.  Can I just say that BP is a brilliant guitar player and song writer?  He is always  a great concert, and we happened to have snagged great seats, right at the end of the middle catwalk.  Loved that.  We also went to an exciting Blazer game with some friends this past Wednesday, also sin el niños.  It has been so nice to pull my husband away from the dairy without kids.

We’ve been inundated with family here for the past couple of weeks.  Marvin’s nephew came and stayed with us for a week, followed by his entire family coming, followed by my parents now being here.  It’s definitely a lot of family in a small window, but it’s been great.  My nephew took 3rd place in the state wrestling championships.  Yeah, he’s a stallion.  It’s so lovely having my parents here, which equates to cheap in-house babysitters.  And my parents are always a good time.  With them around, it  somewhat allows me to indulge my denial that I’m now the mature parent.  Errrr…. parent, and not the kid. 

So there’s the Hesse household in a blogshell.  Not too exciting, but we’re trying to work on at least throwing some fun excitement in our lives, rather than all of this silly medical drama all the time…

Your constant phone calls, emails, cards, comments on FB and MS are so appreciated.  We really are doing well, thanks to so many prayers and love from people around us.  So thank you from the very bottom of our hearts.

Alone in my house, here I sit with my thoughts

It’s hard not to ponder the what if’s and what not’s

I struggle not to journey down the path of my fears

My thoughts on this path are usually trailed by tears

Will my kids have a mother, will my husband have a wife?

How long will God bless me on this earth with my life?

I know that I serve a great God that can heal

But is my faith really that big?  Will it someday be real?

I hope that my words aren’t too dark and depressing

Just keep reading on to see what I’m really addressing

When I lay down these burdens that I tend to convoy

It’s amazing how quickly my sorrow turns to joy

It’s only by God’s grace and his mercy I’m here

He wants me on my knees, he wants me to draw near

He’s working in my life in ways that I can’t imagine,

It’s all a grander scheme that  none  of us can fathom

So when life has you in a place where all you feel is despair

Please know that there is a God who is bigger out there

He is bigger than your burden, your hurts and your trial

He knows everything about you, even before you could smile

He wants to be with you, to hold your hand down this road

He wants to help you, lift the burdens you load

He’ll be your comfort, your joy and your peace

When you let him, it’s amazing, that sense of release

I don’t know what I’d do without God in my life

He has been my stronghold in the midst of this strife

But my faith is being tested, and will it stand firm

I truly hope so, but that is something I’ll learn

So whatever journey you find yourself on

I hope this can help you, the words in my song

Please remember that God wants to walk by your side

Cast your burdens on him, it can be quite a ride

Chemotherapy has officially begun.  So far it just feels like a fairly bad case of the flu.  I really can’t complain, considering it is chemotherapy, and it’s only for 5 days at a time.  I didn’t sleep very well Monday night, which was the first night I started, so I wasn’t feeling well much of the day yesterday.  Thankfully, my niece was able to take the kids for the day so that I could get some rest.  From the experiences that I have read online from other people, most of them say that the first 2 days are the worst, and then your body adapts….I guess.

After a week of processing the fact that this tumor is growing, I’m very at peace with our decision of how to move forward.  We are going to attack this thing from several different angles.  One of the things that becomes a challenge in treating cancer is that at some point, a lot of cancers will become chemo-resistant.  Even though cancer cells are a more fragile cell than normal cells, they are very smart.  They figure out ways to “hide” from therapies that are trying to attack them.  This is often why a patient will experience stability or shrinkage of their tumor, but then all of a sudden the cancer starts growing, again, even while on chemotherapy.  There is an inspirational story that you can read here, about a man that had the most aggressive brain tumor one can have (Glioblastoma), with a life expectancy of 6 months to 1 year.  This was in 1995, and the man is still alive today.  He ended up incorporating his own cocktail to treat his cancer.  He, much like I, was very involved in the decision making process of what his treatment regimen would entail.  The difference between what he did and what I’ll be doing, is that he incorporated a lot of different drugs that were being used to treat GBMs.  Since I don’t have a Glioblastoma, but a lower grade tumor, I wouldn’t qualify for most of those things, and I have chosen to try some “softer” therapies.  These  therapies have been shown to compliment Temodar, as well as offset the immuno-suppressant side-effects of the drug.  Boosting your immune system is very important for a cancer patient.  It’s ultimately your immune system that will win the battle against your cancer for you.  Because cancer treatments are extremely immuno-suppressive, I will do whatever I can to boost my immune system back up, through mostly natural therapies.

I’ve been suffering from a case of blog neglect. It seems that there are so many other things that have been drawing my attention elsewhere. Here’s a quick recap of the latest:

a. My PET scan is still radiologically presenting my tumor as low grade (yay!!). UCLA says that my MRI is overall stable, but want another one done in mid to late January, rather than wait the usual 3 months. I’ve been having a minor visiual disturbance, so we want to keep an eye on that.

b. As many of you heard, my dad contracted a very serious staph infection in his bloodstream in November. It was serious enough that I felt like I needed to go down there for a few days, until he started coming out of it. It was a very scary time for our family, but God was gracious enough to pull him through it. He’s doing really well now, at home and doing IV anti-biotics for the next 4 weeks. They will still be doing a test to look at the back of his heart in January, to make sure the infection didn’t do any damage back there. The doctors say that he’s a very lucky man that he’s alive, and that he wasn’t paralyzed as a result of the absess that was creating all of the pain and pressure on his spine. THANK YOU for all of your prayers.

c. Seizures continue to plague me, for some reason. I’ve had one each month, now, for the past 5 months. I normally only have 1 to 2 each year. My neurosurgeon believes that my medication is just not working for my body, anymore, so I will see my neurologist on the 23rd, and hopefully she will do some adjusting. These are so frustrating for all of us. I had one a couple of nights ago, about 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave for Tyler’s Christmas play at school. Nice. Thankfully he’s old enough to understand what happened, and was okay with it. When he came home, he immediately came over to the couch where I was laying and said “mommy, I’m so sorry that you had to miss my concert. I know you wanted to be there. I’m okay with that” As long as he’s been old enough to be aware, I have dealth with these seizures, so it’s kind of a blessing that it’s not too traumatic on him. Definitely a bummer, though…..physically and emotionally.

That’s it in a quick summary. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!